Marble Python and the Holy Grailie
by LeaXIII
Summary: After finding Alex and narrowly escaping with his life, Jay finds himself thrust into a strange world full of eccentric knights, coconut-wielding minstrels, and a strange king who wants to recruit him for some sort of quest... (Post-Entry 79 crackfic. Rated T for probable language later on.)


**Chapter 1 – The Somewhat Dramatic Beginning Part**

* * *

This was it. After years of searching, years of running and hiding, years of countless tapes and lost memories, Jay could feel it. This was the place where everything would finally end, one way or another.

As he set his camera and flashlight down on the windowsill, Jay stifled a yawn, instead letting out a frustrated sigh. He pulled a chair over to his vantage point, cringing at the way that the sound echoed in the empty stairwell, and, for the first time in months, allowed himself to focus on just how tired he actually was. How long had it actually been since he'd gotten a full night's sleep? It must have been years since he'd been able to wake up on his own terms, rather than flinching awake to the shrill sound of his phone alarm telling him it was time to change the tape, rather than finding himself suddenly thrust into consciousness, covered in cold sweat, gasping for air, propelled from one of the many recurring nightmares that he doubted he'd ever be able to escape.

Jay glanced at the camera next to him. The blinking red light was like a silent heartbeat, assuring him that he wasn't alone, that his own unreliable eyes wouldn't be the only witness if anything unusual should happen. The thought comforted him, and he allowed himself to relax a bit, resting his head on his arm so that he could still see out the window. With nothing else to do, he found himself listening to his own breathing, counting each quiet thump of his own pulse in his ears. As his mind drifted, he imagined that he could actually _see_ his heart pounding out the steady rhythm, a warm red light that blinked with each beat.

His eyes snapping open suddenly, Jay shook himself awake, quickly glancing around. Now really wouldn't be a good time to fall asleep; of that much, he was definitely certain. Yet, after a few more minutes had passed, Jay's eyelids were drooping once more, and he drifted into a light, surprisingly peaceful sleep...

Until the sound of a door swinging shut rattled up the stairwell.

Jay was on his feet in an instant, camera and flashlight at the ready, all hints of drowsiness vanishing at once. Despite the adrenaline suddenly flooding through him, he couldn't bring himself to move for a few moments.

Finally forcing his feet to obey, he took a few small, unsteady steps forward, until he was standing on the top step of the stairs leading down toward the source of the noise. He cursed his own racing heart as he craned his neck to listen for any further noises over the suddenly deafening sound of his pulse pounding in his ears.

After several seconds of tense silence, Jay began to wonder if the noise might have been someone exiting the building rather than entering. The thought that someone had been in the building with him this entire time without his knowledge was a bit unnerving, but Jay didn't bother focusing on the feeling. Instead, he began to descend the stairs, as quietly as he could manage, distantly acknowledging that the effort was probably pointless; no matter how carefully he placed each foot, the building was so deathly quiet that anyone else who might be present was sure to hear him.

He had rounded the corner and placed his foot on the top step of the flight of stairs leading to the first floor when he suddenly became aware of another set of footsteps coming from below. He raised the camera a split second before Alex Kralie reached the top of the first set of stairs.

Jay stared at the LCD screen of the camera rather than looking directly at his former friend, as if the man was merely part of some elaborate hallucination that wouldn't show up on camera, because Alex couldn't really be here, there was no way; but no, there he was, both on the tiny screen and in reality, and there was merely a single staircase separating Jay from him now.

"Alex?" Jay asked uncertainly, taking a small step back almost unconsciously. Alarms were ringing in his head, but he couldn't think past the shock filling his mind to figure out exactly why, until Alex raised the gun that Jay suddenly realized he'd been holding the whole time.

Jay took another step back. "Alex...w-wait..." he managed to stammer out. He managed to tear his gaze away from the gun long enough to meet Alex's cold eyes; one glance was enough to tell Jay everything he needed to know.

The echoing sound of the gunshot threatened to shatter Jay's skull from the inside out as he scrambled back up the stairs, away from Alex. With the noise still ringing in his ears as he reached the third floor of the building, he couldn't hear anything but his own desperate gasps, made worse by the terror of not being able to hear if Alex was following him. As he sprinted toward the far end of the hallway, where he knew the other staircase was, he risked a glance over his shoulder.

Alex stepped into view, raising the gun once more.

On pure instinct, Jay flung himself into the nearest room as the sound of another shot assaulted his ears. Scrambling to his feet, he slammed the door shut and, upon seeing no locking mechanism of any kind, prayed that this was the type of door that locked automatically. Picking up his flashlight with a quick motion, he looked around the room and felt his stomach drop to the lowest floor of the building as he realized that he'd probably just trapped himself in here.

A sudden _bang_ on the door made Jay flinch and back away, until he was pressed against the opposite wall, watching the doorknob with wide eyes. When he finally managed to calm himself down enough to hear over his own terrified breathing, he was immediately relieved to hear the doorknob rattling, but not turning.

The relief was sucked away in an instant when he glanced at the camera's screen, which was flickering with all-too-familiar distortion.

"No no no no, please not now..." he heard himself say, whipping the camera around the room in a paranoid frenzy.

His eyes stopped on a door on the far side of the room.

Jay froze for a few seconds, wondering how he hadn't noticed it before, when he'd been searching desperately for a way out. Judging from its position, the door would probably lead into the classroom next to the one where Jay was currently cornered.

Weighing his options, he glanced at the jumping camera screen again, his heart jumping into his throat at another loud _bang_ on the door he'd come through.

Without another thought, Jay ran to the mysterious door, pleading to whatever deity might be listening that it wouldn't be locked as his hand found the doorknob. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the distortion on the camera growing stronger; he didn't bother looking back to see what it undoubtedly meant as he shoved the door open and threw himself through.

* * *

Mud.

Jay opened his eyes slowly, grimacing against the unpleasant sensation of mud soaking into his clothes, his skin, _everywhere_.

Before he even began to form coherent thoughts, he rolled onto his back, pulling his right hand to his chest in an attempt to keep the camera out of the mud.

He sat up slowly, his head pounding with every move he made, making him regret every second since waking. Futilely, he attempted to wipe his face with a mud-caked sleeve before cursing at himself.

Standing up somewhat shakily, Jay attempted to brush himself off as much as possible as he began to take in his surroundings. He appeared to be in some kind of field; there were nothing but grassy, muddy hills as far as the eye could see, with the exception of what looked to be the edge of a forest to his right.

He gave the area another quick scan, this time with the camera, which thankfully appeared to still be working just fine, despite being a bit dirty. Just as his mind started to tackle the all-too-familiar question of "how did I get here," Jay became aware of a distant, odd clicking sound behind him, slowly growing closer.

Eyes darting around in panic, Jay briefly wondered if he should hide before quickly realizing that hiding wasn't really an option, since the forest, the only available cover, was much too far away for him to sprint to before the source of the sound reached him. Instead, he swallowed hard, cringing at the muddy taste in his mouth, and stood his ground, telling himself he was ready to face whatever came over that hill.

As the sound grew louder, Jay decided that it sounded a bit like a horse, but quickly deduced that it would be impossible for hooves to make so much noise on the soft ground he was standing on.

He was proven right when two figures finally emerged over the hill, and he realized that one of the two was causing the noise by clapping something in his hands together. Upon seeing Jay, the figures began to approach, and Jay was instantly puzzled by the strange gait of the one that appeared to be the leader; he was skipping, like a child on a toy horse, but without the luxury of any such toy.

The strange people came to a halt a few feet away from Jay, who was mentally struggling to string together a coherent sentence to break the awkward silence that had just been created.

"Are...those...coconuts?" was the first thing he managed to say after a few moments, nodding to the small objects that had apparently been the source of the clicking noise he'd heard earlier.

The two newcomers glanced at each other before the leader turned back to Jay. "Good sir," he began, apparently ignoring Jay's question, "I am seeking extraordinary men to join me in my court. Your...unusual attire deems you extraordinary."

Jay could only stare open-mouthed at the man for a few seconds before shaking his head and laughing once; of all the weird dreams and hallucinations he'd ever had, this one was definitely in the running to be the strangest.

The man glanced back at his companion again before continuing. "Might you be some sort of enchanter, with a box of magics?" he said, gesturing to Jay's camera.

"Magic?" Jay repeated incredulously, holding up his camera. "It's just a –"

Both of the men flinched away slightly, and Jay suddenly realized that maybe "blinking red light" equaled "magic" in this dream.

"Um. Sure. I'm a...a strangely dressed enchanter," Jay said, fighting another laugh as he decided to play along. "Why not," he muttered, lowering the camera slightly, so that he was no longer "threatening" the other men. "So uh...who exactly are you supposed to be?"

The man held his head high, his companion striking a somewhat reverent pose as the former began to speak.

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons."


End file.
